[Gravitation/Saiyuki] Shuichi&Sanzo cracksnippet for boniblithe (600 words)

[thuviaptarth]

He can't figure out how sie did it, but Sanzo is morally certain this is Kanzeon Bosatsu's fault. He recognizes the sense of humor.

"We could keep walking," the pink-haired kid says hopefully. Sanzo doesn't bother to spare him a withering glance. It would be wasted on someone dumber than the kappa and the monkey combined.

"Oy! I *said*--"

"We have already," Sanzo says, with what he feels is commendable patience, "established that walking in any direction will bring us back here fifteen minutes later."

The kid droops. "I want to go home." He is not nearly as good at whining as the monkey, though Sanzo has to admit he manages a better big-eyed piteous expression. "I miss Yuki."

Sanzo has already heard enough about Yuki. They tried quite a few different directions before determining this pocket dimension was fifteen minutes long, and Shuichi had extolled Yuki's virtues at least every other step. They are stuck in fifteen minutes' worth of hell in any direction, fifteen minutes of purple sand ("the color of your eyes," the kid said helpfully, which was the first time Sanzo shot at him), orange-yellow sky, boredom, and bad company. Now it's fifteen minutes of purple sand littered with cigarette butts, and Sanzo grimly contemplates his remaining two packs before he lights up. He should have stolen some of Gojyo's Hi-Lites. Damn kappa can't smoke a brand worth bumming.

The kid slumps into a sprawl that vaguely resembles sitting down. "This doesn't make any sense." Exhaustion is a good look on him; it makes him seem almost capable of putting one thought after another. "I mean, you can't be a hallucination. I haven't been getting sick, and I don't do drugs."

"Ch'." Sanzo seats himself and sheds his top robes, tilting his head up to get a better look at the horizon. Seams, cracks, something he can split-- "As if I'd be a figment of *your* imagination."

The kid's shoulders drop, then he perks up. "Are *you* feverish or doing drugs?"

Sanzo backhands him without looking. "Don't suggest I'd dream up somebody as annoying as you, moron. And stop whimpering."

The kid is rubbing his face. "I just thought we could escape if you woke up," he says sullenly.

"*I* could escape and *you* could stop existing," Sanzo points out.

"Oh. Yeah."

"It's not drugs. It's a gourd, or a demon exercising mind-control, or some other idiotic plot from some other brain-damaged moron who wants to get his hands on my sutra."

"... A *gourd*?"

"Shut. Up."

The kid proves he does have at least one brain cell by obeying. They contemplate the bounds of their nutshell in gloomy silence. It's Kanzeon Bosatsu's fault, the way everything is Kanzeon Bosatsu's fault, for sending him on the damned journey west in the first place. (The Sanbutsin, hell. He knows whose hand is stuck up those bobbing puppet heads.) But that's an unsatisfyingly indirect chain of responsibility. He's sure he can come up with a better reason for strangling the old hag than that. He's lighting another cigarette (can you set celestial robes on fire?) when he notices Shuichi is edging a bit closer.

"What?"

"You remind me of my boyfriend," Shuichi says wistfully, then freezes as the muzzle hits his temple and the safety clicks off. "Or maybe more of my manager," he adds hastily.

Sanzo smacks him one with the paper fan, but not that hard. It's too hot, and he's going to need to do it again before the day's over. There's no point in wasting energy.

It's all Kanzeon Bosatsu's fault. He's *sure* of it.

Comments

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! That is possibly the funniest piece of fanfic I've ever read.

I could quote("the color of your eyes," the kid said helpfully) favorite bits ("Are *you* feverish or doing drugs?") but I don't know ("A *gourd*?") how I'd ever be able to ("Or maybe more of my manager," he adds hastily.) stop.

[untrue-accounts.livejournal.com]

It was, of course, Boni's idea, but it was when the boyfriend/manager line popped into my head that I knew I had to go through with it.

[permetaform]

o.o that's most quite possibly brilliant.

I shall have to experience more to judge accurately; like the way all good, hard, mindfucks need to be experienced...

[untrue-accounts.livejournal.com]

Hee. Okay, I'm glad this has an audience of more than its requestor.

[mistressrenet.livejournal.com]

*dies*

So. Funny! I want more, sadly.

[untrue-accounts.livejournal.com]

Boni gave the crack!pairing to me, and I deed it to you. Feel free.

[mistressrenet.livejournal.com]

I suppose if I was really crazy, I would write the Yuki/Goku companion piece.

[untrue-accounts.livejournal.com]

GOKU: You remind me of my priest.

YUKI: Somehow that's just not as flattering as you'd think it should be.

[mistressrenet.livejournal.com]

I was thinking more: Yuki has already heard enough about Sanzo. They tried quite a few different directions before determining this pocket dimension was fifteen minutes long, and Goku had extolled Sanzo's virtues at least every other step, but yes.

[untrue-accounts.livejournal.com]

See, I see Goku as being less about extolling the virtues of Sanzo (as these can sometimes be difficult to discern) and more about the whining and worrying and "Sanzo needs me! Sanzo could be in trouble!"

[mistressrenet.livejournal.com]

Mmm. Good point. Gojyo/K might also be fun.

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

That, and begging Yuki for candy.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Bwa! Oh, that's wonderful.

[untrue-accounts.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[poilass.livejournal.com]

Hahahahaha! "You remind me of my boyfriend." Yes! Because Yuki and Sanzo are twins! separated at birth! I don't know how no-one ever saw it before.

Lovely.

[untrue-accounts.livejournal.com]

Well, it was all boniblithe's idea. I'm glad you liked it.

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

Sanzo doesn't bother to spare him a withering glance. It would be wasted on someone dumber than the kappa and the monkey combined.

YES. Perfect, OMG and so true.

They are stuck in fifteen minutes' worth of hell in any direction, fifteen minutes of purple sand ("the color of your eyes," the kid said helpfully, which was the first time Sanzo shot at him),

*boni falls on the floor helpless with glee*

"It's not drugs. It's a gourd, or a demon exercising mind-control, or some other idiotic plot from some other brain-damaged moron who wants to get his hands on my sutra."

A demon exercising mind control. Or at the very least, cracktastic begging.

Sanzo and Yuki were sooooooo separated at birth. You have made me so happy :) Thank you!

[untrue-accounts.livejournal.com]

I realized yesterday I keep writing people calling Shuichi dumb. I am not sure I think Shuichi is dumb--insane, yes, dumb, maybe not--but I don't think I can convince Sanzo or Fujisaki of this.

In this story, you play the role of Kanzeon Bosatsu. Fortunately, I adore Kanzeon Bosatsu.

I think I may have to write the Fuma/Tatsumi, too. You're *dangerous*.

[mistressrenet.livejournal.com]

I think Suichi has very specialized intelligence, and is so busy being neurotic he doesn't get to show it off very often.

[jheen.livejournal.com]

(came over from boniblithe)

Whoa... pure crack. That's... yes, I have words for this. Except, where are you getting your drugs and why don't you share?

[untrue-accounts.livejournal.com]

You'll have to ask Boni about the drugs; it was all her idea.

I'm glad you liked it. :)

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

I have lots more cracktastic ideas in my head. If you ever need some, just spend 12 hours in a car with me.